The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
