Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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