btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
