I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
