Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
