my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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