I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
