when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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