I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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