Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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