Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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