My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
