my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
