I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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