I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
