i love accidental penises.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
