A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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