So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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