hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
