Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
