Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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