What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
