Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
