Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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