tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
