TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
