I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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