You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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