sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize