Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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