My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
