My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
