Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
