Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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