Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
