you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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