My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
