walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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