i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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