i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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