So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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