while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
