those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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