.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
