I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
