Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
