I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
