Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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