Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
