i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
