theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
