oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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