You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Welp...herpes.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
