My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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