You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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