What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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