Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
