I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
