so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize