i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
