i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
