smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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