She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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