the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
