So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
