I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize