bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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