I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
